Off-Topic, for Tooty!

[Allen Morgan]

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

            After Mr. And Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.  Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.  Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.  One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

            Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video Surveillance Cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 Minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna Look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least,

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

Wal-Mart

[DAVID L EITUTIS]

GOOD ONE FUZZY !!!!!!!!!!!

[David, aka, "McScruff"]

Hahaha!

Here's one of my faves:

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and begins reading her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside her and says,"Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replies, stating the obvious.

"Well, You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll charge you with rape," says the woman.

"What?? I haven't even touched you," exclaims the game warden.

"That's true, but you also have all the equipment for it."

[DAVID L EITUTIS]

GOOD ONE SCRUFFY !!!!!!

[Allen Morgan]

Ok, something else to do:

50 Things to Do at the Mall

 

1.Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

2.Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

3.Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

4.Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

5.At the bottom of an escalator, scream, "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"

6.Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

7.Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable.

8.Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen,...

9....But save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're, "astronaut food".

10.Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.

11.Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

12.Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"

13.Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

14.Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

15.Test mattresses in your pajamas.

16.Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

17.If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

18.Sprint up the down escalator.

19.Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the, "hidden picture".

20.Ask appliance personnel if they have a combo toaster/washing machine.

21.Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

22.Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

23.At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.

24.Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

25.Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

26.Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.

27.Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

28.Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

29.In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."

30.Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking 2”steps.

31.Play the tuba for change.

32.Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play, "Jesus Built My Hotrod".

33.Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

34.Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will, "give you a really wicked buzz".

35.Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have, "any giant crap made out of straw".

36."Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

37.Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

38.Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

39.Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing, "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch

channels on one of the sets.

40.Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling, "scratch one flattop!"

41.Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are, "leak proof".

42."Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

43.Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

44.Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.

45.If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.

46.Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say, "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut, home of the Big Foot Big Six. May I take your order please?"

47.Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.

48.At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

49.Show people your driver's license and demand to know, "whether they've seen this man."

50.Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.

[DAVID L EITUTIS]

GOOD ONE AND WILL TRY SOME OF THESE PROBABLY REAL SOON ....

[carl hendrix]

oh yea-- these are good  guys!!  real good!!

[carl hendrix]

did anybody- read a north American fisherman magazine- from april of 2013???  it seems - as tho somebody is using bruce condello;s name!!  in that magazine-- somebody named bruce condello- actually wrote a article called-  mega meanmouth!!  and the guy was talking about catching-- BASS!!!!!!!  now we all know how bruce loves to fish for blue gills- and never would I  half way think he would write about catching a BASS!!! those green carp things!!  TELL US IT AINT SO BRUCE!!

[Tony Livingston]

As someone who has witnessed some incredible things while standing on Bruce's dock, I can assure you that his talents for producing amazing  fish are not just limited to Bluegills.............. 

[carl hendrix]

tony- no doubt in my mind that bruce is a way above fisherman- same as you!!  just letting him know I did see his article in that magazine!  and maybe having a little fun with him!

[Tony Livingston]

I know you're just kidding him Carl, and it's nice of you to let him know you saw the article! Bruce has done much to help bring our beloved Bluegills into the forefront of angling awareness, and I know all of us appreciate his efforts in that regard. It's nice to see him get some recognition for his OTHER endeavors also.

Nice job Bruce!  (and Fish Chris)

http://www.fishingclub.com/digitalissues/2013april/index.html

[mike martinez]

Thats funny.......:)